forgiving is indeed a very noble act

Forgiving is indeed a very noble act.

 

Not everyone has the ability to do that, especially when it comes to forgiving someone who has harmed their life to the point of ruining it. These individuals often end up escaping responsibility and never taking accountability for their actions, while those who face the consequences are left to endure the pain and suffering despite being innocent. And yet, some manage to forgive despite all of this. Indeed, forgiveness is a noble act. It must take everything in them to say, "I forgive you," considering the price they’ve had to bear because of those people.

 

I wish I could be like that. Holding a grudge is exhausting. But knowing that these people can enjoy life, be happy, and feel free makes me bitter. I admit that I feel bitter. Why should I be overwhelmed with all these feelings while they get to be happy after stealing what should have been mine? It feels unfair. But in reality, you either get over it or do something about it. And doing something could mean seeking payback, whether for good or for bad.

 

So, I choose peace, even though I’m still at war with my feelings and my past. 

 

Hopefully, one day, I’ll sign a peace treaty with myself.

 

It’s the only way I’ll finally break free.

my deepest desire.

Am I, as the child, never supposed to show my dissatisfaction? I try to rationalize her anger towards me, but in doing so, I end up feeling like I have no one to blame but myself. She's right about everything when it comes to me.

 

God, I wish you could take away this pain I'm feeling, as well as her pain and burden. Take me away, and her life will be so much easier. It's been so long since I've felt this way, but now, all those old feelings and words are washing over me again, hitting me like waves crashing against the rocks until the rocks are shaped by them. I wonder how far I've gone.

 

I wish I could drive to the Penang Bridge and jump. Let them never find my body, and I’ll become food for the fish. At least then, I’d finally be useful for something.

mother's words

Things my mother has called or said to me:

1. Anak derhaka
2. Bodoh
3. Anak tak boleh diharap
4. Tak payah mintak maaf. Aku taknak tengok muka kau. Mengalir air mata darah pun aku takkan maafkan.

Although some of these words were said a long time ago, they’ve been carved deeply into my mind. No matter how much I try to forget, they keep replaying themselves over and over. I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m not who she says I am, but now I understand why I feel so cursed and unlucky in life. Maybe I was born to be a failure. Maybe I was a mistake, someone my mom wishes she could have gotten rid of.

 

I just hope that one day, when I disappear completely from her life, she’ll be happy. She’ll still have three children left when I’m gone. I’ll just be one less burden.

manipulation and entitlement of a mother. (respect? i'm losing it.)

Just a late night thought.

As a child, do you actually owe your parents? Especially your mother? I’m not talking about devoted mothers, but the ones who feel entitled to everything. They think they deserve their child’s respect even when they show no respect for their child’s mental well-being. All they care about is their reputation.

I have someone in my life like this. She always complains that our parents never cared for her, but she’s doing the same thing to her son. If you're reading this, yes, I’m talking about you. I never say anything about it, always agreeing because you're older. But sometimes I wonder, what goes through your mind before you call your child dumb, stupid, and so on?

I understand you want your son to excel academically, but why must you keep using those hurtful words? I know he's not your biological son, but can’t you consider his feelings? He's only 8 years old. He might not fully realize yet that what you're saying is harmful, probably because of the way you’ve brainwashed him to think that you're doing this out of love. But as someone who was once a daughter to our mother, I know it’s hurtful, and I still remember it.

Do you ever consider that you might be scarring him for life? That your words could make him grow up to be insecure, with low self-esteem? You claim to care and love him, but I don’t see that in how you treat him. You treat him as though he doesn’t have feelings. I don’t care if you're trying to "toughen him up." He could grow up lacking empathy, becoming just like his biological parents, whom you constantly criticize.

To me, you're no better than your ex-husband. He may have been physically abusive, but you're torturing your son mentally. If you told me to ask him whether you’re hurting him, of course, I wouldn’t get any clear answer. He’ll always defend you because you’ve made him believe you're doing this for his own good. He won't realize how hurtful it is until one day, he learns that he could have received real love from someone who wasn’t selfish or lacking in empathy.

I also hate how entitled you feel, believing that your son owes you respect even after you call him stupid. Sure, you apologize afterward, but seriously? There are so many other ways to teach and nurture him, but you choose to be harsh. Your excuses are garbage.

You always say I have a short temper, but you're worse. You call our dad crazy and say he should get treatment, but you're no better. In fact, you're worse. One last thing, I hope you stop looking down on other people.

rose coloured you

 He often asks me,
“What do you think of me?”
Oh, my dear,
If only you could read my mind,
Step inside, and see through my eyes—
Every thought of you
Pulls me deeper,
Makes me fall harder.

You make me smile like a fool
With every conversation we share,
My heart races,
Butterflies swirl inside me—
So many, I think I could burst.

That’s how I feel,
That’s what I think.
But, oh, my dear,
If only you knew,
If only you could see
How I see you.

the unsent letters

Hands dance swiftly,
Blank paper waiting to be filled,
My tears witness every line,
Now forever etched upon it,
Plead, coax, hate, love,
Unfolded on the sheets of paper,
Which now increasingly pile up,
And become only a relic,
When life has flown away,
Fire licks,
As a symbol of eternal love.

echoes of a month

 

A month ago,
We wandered under the Eiffel Tower,
Hand in hand,
Romance etched in a kiss,
The tower, a silent witness.

A month ago,
Joy twisted into pain,
Screams became the background,
Familiar now, yet still shocking,
Tears in shattered eyes,
Footsteps fading away,
Leaving a trembling form,
Wishing time would pause.

Now, a month later,
She moves on,
Life regains its hue,
Yet echoes of the past remain,
He stands there,
Returning once again.

the room within

My mind is like a cluttered room,
Chaotic and unkempt,
Filled with scraps of imagined art,
Pages scrawled with jumbled thoughts.
I’m unsure of what I’m thinking,
It’s a mess, tangled and frayed.
They say a mind reflects its owner,
Perhaps that’s how others see me.

not so productive but it's still a progress

I got my result for my 4th semester—Alhamdulillah, I passed. It's not that great, but it's better than before. I'm glad that at least I made it through to the end. I've thought about quitting this degree so many times because I'm losing interest. I feel like I want to pursue something else, something creative, because since I was a child, I've always surrounded myself with art. Although I'm not very good at drawing—like, if I tried to draw a portrait of my favorite singer, it wouldn't look exactly the same—my friend who majors in art calls it my art style. She said, "Whatever you create with your own hands, if it comes naturally from your imagination, it's still art." So I guess... it's fine? But for me, I'm more into graphic design.

I remember back in primary school, I joined multiple groups on Facebook where people could request posters for their fanfiction. I was one of the active members and made a lot of friends through that. I spent most of my days completing poster requests. But then I stopped once I entered Form 1. I don't remember why, but I continued doing it in Form 3. Unfortunately, the community kind of died down because many people stopped using Facebook groups to post their fanfics and moved to Wattpad. So, I did the same and moved to Wattpad, where my writing era began. I wrote multiple stories and created posters as well, and surprisingly, I got a lot of requests. I thought it would be lame at first, but oh well. Once I entered Form 4, I decided to take a break to focus more on my studies, but that break extended so long that I eventually stopped doing fanfictions and posters altogether. I wish I could retrieve my old works and display them here, but I no longer use that email and forgot the password. The 'shop' got archived as well, making it more impossible for me to find it. Gosh, I wish I could turn back time and continue doing what I love and pursue something I am deeply passionate about. I feel like I've been lying to myself about loving Biology because I'm actually not good at it. I romanticized it too much, to the point where I was blinded and unable to see my real potential. Oh well, I guess life is full of surprises, eh?

So, since I'm on my semester break, I've done nothing—until yesterday. That makes me feel a bit better about myself and kind of productive because at least I did something instead of just idling around or playing games, right? It's nothing much; I journaled, did some sketches, drew Ayrton Senna, and read a book called A Little Life, which I've been putting on pause because the storyline is too much for me to take in. If you've read it, you know what I mean. I only managed to read about 5-6 pages. For me, it's still something—a progress. Better than nothing. I had to stop because currently, I'm on the 5th part of the book, titled "A Happy Year." It is indeed NOT a happy year AT ALL. I wish I could wash my brain with Clorox. The elaboration of the pain that the main character had to go through is too graphic for me. I had to put the book down multiple times to digest it. So, after reading it, I had to calm myself down by listening to Sade. I'm currently in love with her songs. It feels like I'm in a jazz bar, where the room is lit with candles, and you can smell coffee—or, whatever, I don't know. Maybe cigarette as well. For me, she has no bad songs. All of them are chef’s kiss—scrumptious, I must say. If you haven't heard her songs, you should give them a try. I suggest listening to "Like A Tattoo." The song is actually about a war. It's lovely.

racing mind, i guess

 

Back then, I dreamed of working in a lab, becoming a scientist, and making a groundbreaking discovery that would win me a Nobel Prize. But now, when I think about it, it doesn't appeal to me anymore. It feels like it's just not my cup of tea. While STEM is an incredible field, and the idea of women excelling in STEM is wonderful, the reality in this country is that opportunities are scarce. The pay often doesn't match the amount of work you have to put in.

So, I'm facing a dilemma. I'm considering learning Python or other coding languages because people say it can help you land a good job. I hope they're right because that's what I plan to do. 

God... thinking about the future really scares me.

I used to think I didn't want to get married after witnessing a marriage fall apart after almost two decades. It made me lose faith in love, yet I still crave it. The idea of growing old with someone and watching my children grow into good people who start their own families restores my belief in humanity. But I know not everything goes as planned. We can try our best, but if Allah says no, it won't happen.

I fear a failed marriage. What if my children turn out to be bad people? My mind is overwhelmed with so many worries. People tell me to relax and go with the flow, but I can't. I'm scared of being the most miserable person in the world, scared of failing, and ending up homeless, jobless, and without a family. Sometimes, I hate living. How do I make these thoughts stop?

no nothing

Update: I feel like a loser.

desire and fear

I've been on Twitter for a long time now. When I was in high school, I used to have a mindset that I didn't want to get married because 'men are trash.' But now, as I am an adult and my friends are in relationships, it would be a lie if I said I don't crave being in a relationship too. My mind has developed as I've grown up, and now, I'd say that I finally have the urge to get married. I also want to settle down and have children of my own. Unfortunately, I've never been in a real relationship. I never experienced high school romance like my friends did, and never in my life have I had someone have a crush on me. If a guy said they did, it was actually a prank or a bet. Sad. 

But at the same time, being on Twitter also kind of contributes to the factor of me not wanting to get married. I've read A LOT of stories where the wife found out that their husband is actually cheating on them, either having a relationship with another woman or using e-prostitute services from Twitter. I know there are good men out there, but there are also bad men. I'm not saying that I'm a good person with no flaws and so on, but it's so scary to think that you could probably end up getting a divorce because of how shitty your partner is. Sometimes, you will get a divorce because of a very small matter that can be solved by communicating with each other. I guess not a lot of people have that skill. Some people don't know the right way to approach a problem, which leads to a huge fight, hence why the divorce happened. Well, maybe that's how fate works. But still, marriage is scary.

And yet, I want it so bad.

bleh bleh bleh.

Sometimes, having a blog where I treat it as a personal diary is scary. Why? Because it's like I'm being naked to people who read my posts. I am being too open, too transparent. People can know what my deepest fears are, my interests, my personal life, and also my personal problems. If someone hates me, they literally can use it against me during arguments or confrontations. But writing here gives me satisfaction sometimes. I know that no one really reads my blog, especially when it's about my personal problems. It's a boring topic and self-centered, you know? Not many people would love to know about yourself. Hence why I feel safe to post here. I can say anything I want, and people will just not care. I can rant here, complain with zero worries! What a wonderful life. I don't have to hear other people's opinions, and judgments can't be made. I'm free to say anything.

At least, I hope.

i thought i did something

These days, I feel like I only want to do activities such as reading, drawing, graphic design, and writing. But I'm stuck. I don't know what book to read, what to draw because I'm not very good at it, don't know where to start with graphic design, and don't know what to write. Yes, I am writing right now, but I want to write a story, like a fanfiction or something. My mind has some ideas, but there are too many of them, so the ideas are scattered around my brain. It's like I have to pick one idea and then start to create a plot, but then my mind jumps to another idea, and I become too congested, ending up with writer's block.

As for reading, I have a book that I'm currently reading, but I find it too overwhelming as it is related to the theme of self-harm. In every chapter, the main character engages in it, and every time it comes to that scene, I have to put down the book and let my mind rest for a while after visualizing it. I've been at that stage of life; I've put a razor on my wrist, and I know how much it hurts, so when reading the book, I can feel the pain, and it makes me want to puke. I don't have any other books to read because some of them have such boring plots that I literally can't bring myself to pick them up. Whenever I try or force myself to, I yawn or accidentally fall asleep.

Drawing... well, I'm not good at it. I'm not good at drawing, like, seriously. But I love it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time I'm in the mood for drawing, I'll go through Pinterest to find something to draw. Once I have something, I'll pick up my pencil and try to draw it, but it ends up looking like a disfigured imagination, like someone who tried to draw someone from memory. I've watched plenty of tutorial videos on how to draw, and I never improve. I mean, it looks okay compared to the ones I drew without guides, but when I try to draw using the methods I was taught, the outcome is not what I expected.

But do I stop? NO.

I read at least 2 pages, I have drafts of the stories I've made, I've designed a poster, and I've drawn something. It's ugly, but at least I did it.

whining, yapping, or whatever they call it

I find myself as a paradox or endless cycle of hating myself just for me to actually miss where I am right now in the future. For example, I hate myself for not being physically active, but at the same time I'm actually being productive by doing some other things such as reading a book. Although reading 5 pages a day is till a progress. Or maybe I tried to do another hobby like crocheting or drawing. But still, in that moment, I hate myself for not accomplishing something. And then, in a few months, I'll be spiraling back into the lowest depths of emotion where I can't even get out of the bed and feel like doing nothing for a whole week and then I proceed to feel miserable for having to force myself going to class or do chores because I have to do it as I'm living with someone in this house. Every moment of me doing those things, I hate myself even more and then miss the times when I have the energy and motivation to read and do other hobby. Now, the book that I was reading back then and have not yet finished is sitting on the desk, untouched and dusty, screaming for me to pick it up and read it. 

I feel like, people who read this post, or my older posts, (in which I already put into draft because it's embarrassing) might see me as someone who always whine about how awful my life is and it'll be very exhausting to have me in their life because all I do is complain over and over. Well, it's not like I didn't try to make some changes with my attitude, mindset and behaviour. I did try everything but at the end I'll always relapse and go back to where I was. It's tiring when I trapped myself in this cycle where I can't put a stop. People might suggest me to see a therapist or a psychiatrist to get help, but oh my god I wish I could. 

Why? 

Money is the problem. Yeah, I'm a freaking 21 years-old. I'm an adult, so I should have some money right? Unfortunately, no. My parents gave me RM100 per week when I have classes but I always managed to find ways to spend those money. I am fully aware that I also have problems with managing my finance, but I'm just a girl who has her needs to be fulfilled. I've longed to spoil myself the way my parents aren't able to do, and that's why I don't have money as an adult. At least for now.

Thinking about how an awful person I am to myself, make me wonder how I still have friends. Am I that good at tricking people to think that I'm not a terrible person? But it's not like I don't have the ability to love someone. Heck, when I love someone, I will literally slave myself for them. Maybe that's just me being a people pleaser and maybe that's why I can make people stick around.

Well anyways, I miss my old self and I miss everything.

just a little rant, please don't respond to it.

I'm turning twenty-one in one month. People say that age doesn't indicate someone's maturity, and I heavily agree with that. I feel like, despite everything, every life lesson, I still haven't fully grown up. Some people might say that at least I realize that, and it does show that I have grown a bit, but I don't think so. Sometimes, I find myself repeating the same mistakes, and then I end up hating myself, and the vicious cycle continues. It's endless, and I feel like I'm trapped in an eggshell where it's very dark, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to break free, as if I don't have free will. I see how people around me slowly change, experiencing transitions in their lives such as finding love, changing their attitudes, and now they've become the most active person in the class, always having questions to ask the lecturer. They've become brave. While me? I'm still crawling and moving too slowly compared to others. Still scared of making a change in my life. I know these don't make me less than those people, but the world is moving fast. Everything nowadays is fast-paced, and we have to chase it, move at the same speed, or else we will be very behind others. Technologies are getting advanced day by day, and everyone is becoming smarter. I hate having these thoughts because I'll be comparing myself with others and feeling bad for myself, and yet, there are no changes to be seen. It seems like I am the most stubborn person to ever exist.

My skull and skin are too thick to the point the syringe can't penetrate it.

I dream of a better future for myself. I wish and hope to get out of this country and find a job elsewhere because somehow this country won't appreciate my 'talent'. If I choose to pursue my career in the Biology field in this country, it's like I'm following a recipe for disaster. My siblings told me that it's not necessary for me to work in the field that I majored in, but my mind keeps on thinking how it's such a waste of my parents' money that they've spent on me, to study Biology just for me to end up working as something else. Plus, it is my dream. I want to make a change; I want to make a breakthrough in science; I want to contribute something to society and to myself. I want to make myself proud at least once. I want to die without regret, and that's all I ask from Allah. Maybe I'm asking too much, but I'm human with full of hope even though I've failed numerous times, even though I've fallen behind my classmates, and even though I am not at the same level as others. Even if I can't achieve all those things, I hope I could still dream. Who knows, one day it'll become true?

Please, Allah, let me be successful.

dark tunnel

I wandered through a darkened tunnel,
Heard your voice, soft as a whisper,
You promised you'd lead me out,
Said you'd guide me, without a doubt.

But you're nowhere, gone again,
Leaving me to question when
It all turned wrong, and I got lost.
I called your name, but at what cost?

I begged you once to stay, be near,
But you vanished, left me here.
Now I’m alone, in endless night,
Chasing shadows, losing sight.