past lives

 

"What if this if a past life,
and we are already something else
to each other in our next life?"

so... i tried doing mixed media

 

some pictures of trees and skies that i took.

 

 

alien.

Alien, is a feeling I have about love. That word is a strange word. When I talk about love, I meant romantically and not platonic like how we have with our friends and family. Those are different. Romantically, I never experience it. I almost have it but was destroyed by my own expectations. I placed too much hope in other people, to the point where I sabotaged it. Now, I'm scarred from it and I don't think I could allow me to hurt others and myself again. Once is enough. The pain was too much for me to bear it and it left me battle scars that I had with my own thoughts and insecurities. 

Despite all of that, I still crave for it. To be loved, to be seen, to be heard, and to be held tenderly. It's so sweet to know that someone is waiting for us to be theirs, that we have someone that we can go back to after a tiring day at work and someone is actually missing us and can't bear to be separated from us, that someone is actually wanting to have children with us, to grow old with us, and to be with us until their last breath. But if I ever had a chance to experience all of this, I don't know how I'll react to it as I am unfamiliar with the concept. I'll have to be taught to open up and to lower my guard down and let that person enter my life. Just the thought of it leaves me puzzled, confused about my feelings. It's exciting, yet scary. How do I trust that this person won't betray me and hurt me? 

At the same time, I can't guarantee that I won't hurt the other party. I've been too caught up with my thought about getting my feelings hurt by other people that I forgot that I also have the capability to hurt them. I am no better than them. Doesn't that make me not deserving of it? So better for me to push away such feelings. Push it far away till it becomes a strange thing in this strange world.

unearthing happiness.

Since I'm starting anew, I find that it'll be hard for me to write something because I love to procrastinate a lot (sometimes I got easily distracted, so I ended up forgetting it). So, I went to Pinterest and found some interesting ideas on what to write. I think it is a brilliant idea to use them as I can do some self-reflection while writing. Plus, I also love to read my old entries, so it'll benefit me in the future as I could see how much I've grown. Dear future me, hello there.

For this first entry, I'd like to write about 'What has made you the happiest lately?'

This is actually a tough question for me. All questions are tough for me. But this one does make me sit back and think for a while. I'm rummaging through my mind's folder to see what makes me the happiest person lately. Is it spending time with friends? Fair enough. I do feel happy, but it's actually temporary. As soon as I get home, my world becomes grey again. So, is it that there's no academic pressure as I am on semester holiday? Heck, I actually miss that feeling of getting pressured. I want to be stressed about having to study. Weird. So, is it because I am able to play games without interruption? Who says that? Who says that I don't get interrupted? Bzzz, wrong. Next!

I honestly don't know. I don't even know if I am happy right now. My life feels empty like it has no purpose, no direction. Maybe. Maybe all of those things I've mentioned earlier do make me the happiest lately. I got to meet my best friends and friends from high school. Watching the movies that people are hyping right now, which are Barbie and Oppenheimer. I even watched Barbie for the second time just so I could spend time with my high school friends. That's how precious they are to me. Or maybe, I am finally learning something in my life; that I should be grateful for Allah's creations. And again, another maybe, I've discovered the new side of me. I do feel at ease right now. A little bit, at least. That's fine, right? It is fine.

So, what I can say is, the littlest things made me the happiest. It's just that I'm realizing it too late. But I'm glad that now I know.

a year of reflection.

I thought it would be easy to forget the past. It's been about a year, I think, since we stopped talking. Leaving you was definitely not an easy decision. I tried to reach out to you, tried to forgive you, but a friend said it's not worth the fight, and I deserve better. So, I held back and let you go so that you could be with the person you love. It hurts so much, honestly. I wish I could just reach out and ask how everything is. Do you miss me? Because I miss you so much. I miss our interactions, and mostly, your 'undivided' attention. At least, that's how I see it. When I think back to my childish actions, I wish I had never done what my brain told me to. Because right now, all I feel is regret. How I wish I could turn back time and fix it. Now I see how pointless it is to fight for a worthless relationship or friendship with someone who doesn't care. If I were given another chance, I'd definitely choose never to let go of you. I was stupid. It was a stupid decision, and there is nothing I can do anymore to mend things with you. I'm sorry for everything. But I hope one day I'll realize how foolish I am to even want you back after all you did. I hope one day I realize that walking away from you was actually the best decision I've ever made. I hope one day I'll never let someone disrespect me like you did. And I hope one day I'll realize that I'm worth much more than this, and I truly deserve better.

I can't believe I was all over you. We should have never met in the first place. We should have never crossed paths in the first place. You remain my most profound regret, and I'm afraid I can't forgive myself for letting that happen. None of it should have happened--not me and you, nor those unspeakable interactions that we had. I don't care if you think I'm judging you; in fact, I am. But I'm also judging my own mistake so that I can reflect well and make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes. Judging and not nurturing--that's what one should do. I refuse to accept or make peace with it because it's disgusting. I hope YOU won't do the same thing to other girls as well: manipulating them into doing what you want just because they love you. I pray that those girls won't be as naive as I was, indulging in such things just because they love a guy like you. Walking away from you was indeed the best decision ever, and I'm pretty sure you also think the same now that you have the greatest girl ever--her, the girl who used to be my close friend. Treat her better, though I think you surely will.