whining, yapping, or whatever they call it

I find myself as a paradox or endless cycle of hating myself just for me to actually miss where I am right now in the future. For example, I hate myself for not being physically active, but at the same time I'm actually being productive by doing some other things such as reading a book. Although reading 5 pages a day is till a progress. Or maybe I tried to do another hobby like crocheting or drawing. But still, in that moment, I hate myself for not accomplishing something. And then, in a few months, I'll be spiraling back into the lowest depths of emotion where I can't even get out of the bed and feel like doing nothing for a whole week and then I proceed to feel miserable for having to force myself going to class or do chores because I have to do it as I'm living with someone in this house. Every moment of me doing those things, I hate myself even more and then miss the times when I have the energy and motivation to read and do other hobby. Now, the book that I was reading back then and have not yet finished is sitting on the desk, untouched and dusty, screaming for me to pick it up and read it. 

I feel like, people who read this post, or my older posts, (in which I already put into draft because it's embarrassing) might see me as someone who always whine about how awful my life is and it'll be very exhausting to have me in their life because all I do is complain over and over. Well, it's not like I didn't try to make some changes with my attitude, mindset and behaviour. I did try everything but at the end I'll always relapse and go back to where I was. It's tiring when I trapped myself in this cycle where I can't put a stop. People might suggest me to see a therapist or a psychiatrist to get help, but oh my god I wish I could. 

Why? 

Money is the problem. Yeah, I'm a freaking 21 years-old. I'm an adult, so I should have some money right? Unfortunately, no. My parents gave me RM100 per week when I have classes but I always managed to find ways to spend those money. I am fully aware that I also have problems with managing my finance, but I'm just a girl who has her needs to be fulfilled. I've longed to spoil myself the way my parents aren't able to do, and that's why I don't have money as an adult. At least for now.

Thinking about how an awful person I am to myself, make me wonder how I still have friends. Am I that good at tricking people to think that I'm not a terrible person? But it's not like I don't have the ability to love someone. Heck, when I love someone, I will literally slave myself for them. Maybe that's just me being a people pleaser and maybe that's why I can make people stick around.

Well anyways, I miss my old self and I miss everything.