I'm turning twenty-one in one month. People say that age doesn't indicate someone's maturity, and I heavily agree with that. I feel like, despite everything, every life lesson, I still haven't fully grown up. Some people might say that at least I realize that, and it does show that I have grown a bit, but I don't think so. Sometimes, I find myself repeating the same mistakes, and then I end up hating myself, and the vicious cycle continues. It's endless, and I feel like I'm trapped in an eggshell where it's very dark, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to break free, as if I don't have free will. I see how people around me slowly change, experiencing transitions in their lives such as finding love, changing their attitudes, and now they've become the most active person in the class, always having questions to ask the lecturer. They've become brave. While me? I'm still crawling and moving too slowly compared to others. Still scared of making a change in my life. I know these don't make me less than those people, but the world is moving fast. Everything nowadays is fast-paced, and we have to chase it, move at the same speed, or else we will be very behind others. Technologies are getting advanced day by day, and everyone is becoming smarter. I hate having these thoughts because I'll be comparing myself with others and feeling bad for myself, and yet, there are no changes to be seen. It seems like I am the most stubborn person to ever exist.
My skull and skin are too thick to the point the syringe can't penetrate it.
I dream of a better future for myself. I wish and hope to get out of this country and find a job elsewhere because somehow this country won't appreciate my 'talent'. If I choose to pursue my career in the Biology field in this country, it's like I'm following a recipe for disaster. My siblings told me that it's not necessary for me to work in the field that I majored in, but my mind keeps on thinking how it's such a waste of my parents' money that they've spent on me, to study Biology just for me to end up working as something else. Plus, it is my dream. I want to make a change; I want to make a breakthrough in science; I want to contribute something to society and to myself. I want to make myself proud at least once. I want to die without regret, and that's all I ask from Allah. Maybe I'm asking too much, but I'm human with full of hope even though I've failed numerous times, even though I've fallen behind my classmates, and even though I am not at the same level as others. Even if I can't achieve all those things, I hope I could still dream. Who knows, one day it'll become true?
Please, Allah, let me be successful.