unearthing happiness.

Since I'm starting anew, I find that it'll be hard for me to write something because I love to procrastinate a lot (sometimes I got easily distracted, so I ended up forgetting it). So, I went to Pinterest and found some interesting ideas on what to write. I think it is a brilliant idea to use them as I can do some self-reflection while writing. Plus, I also love to read my old entries, so it'll benefit me in the future as I could see how much I've grown. Dear future me, hello there.

For this first entry, I'd like to write about 'What has made you the happiest lately?'

This is actually a tough question for me. All questions are tough for me. But this one does make me sit back and think for a while. I'm rummaging through my mind's folder to see what makes me the happiest person lately. Is it spending time with friends? Fair enough. I do feel happy, but it's actually temporary. As soon as I get home, my world becomes grey again. So, is it that there's no academic pressure as I am on semester holiday? Heck, I actually miss that feeling of getting pressured. I want to be stressed about having to study. Weird. So, is it because I am able to play games without interruption? Who says that? Who says that I don't get interrupted? Bzzz, wrong. Next!

I honestly don't know. I don't even know if I am happy right now. My life feels empty like it has no purpose, no direction. Maybe. Maybe all of those things I've mentioned earlier do make me the happiest lately. I got to meet my best friends and friends from high school. Watching the movies that people are hyping right now, which are Barbie and Oppenheimer. I even watched Barbie for the second time just so I could spend time with my high school friends. That's how precious they are to me. Or maybe, I am finally learning something in my life; that I should be grateful for Allah's creations. And again, another maybe, I've discovered the new side of me. I do feel at ease right now. A little bit, at least. That's fine, right? It is fine.

So, what I can say is, the littlest things made me the happiest. It's just that I'm realizing it too late. But I'm glad that now I know.

a year of reflection.

I thought it would be easy to forget the past. It's been about a year, I think, since we stopped talking. Leaving you was definitely not an easy decision. I tried to reach out to you, tried to forgive you, but a friend said it's not worth the fight, and I deserve better. So, I held back and let you go so that you could be with the person you love. It hurts so much, honestly. I wish I could just reach out and ask how everything is. Do you miss me? Because I miss you so much. I miss our interactions, and mostly, your 'undivided' attention. At least, that's how I see it. When I think back to my childish actions, I wish I had never done what my brain told me to. Because right now, all I feel is regret. How I wish I could turn back time and fix it. Now I see how pointless it is to fight for a worthless relationship or friendship with someone who doesn't care. If I were given another chance, I'd definitely choose never to let go of you. I was stupid. It was a stupid decision, and there is nothing I can do anymore to mend things with you. I'm sorry for everything. But I hope one day I'll realize how foolish I am to even want you back after all you did. I hope one day I realize that walking away from you was actually the best decision I've ever made. I hope one day I'll never let someone disrespect me like you did. And I hope one day I'll realize that I'm worth much more than this, and I truly deserve better.

I can't believe I was all over you. We should have never met in the first place. We should have never crossed paths in the first place. You remain my most profound regret, and I'm afraid I can't forgive myself for letting that happen. None of it should have happened--not me and you, nor those unspeakable interactions that we had. I don't care if you think I'm judging you; in fact, I am. But I'm also judging my own mistake so that I can reflect well and make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes. Judging and not nurturing--that's what one should do. I refuse to accept or make peace with it because it's disgusting. I hope YOU won't do the same thing to other girls as well: manipulating them into doing what you want just because they love you. I pray that those girls won't be as naive as I was, indulging in such things just because they love a guy like you. Walking away from you was indeed the best decision ever, and I'm pretty sure you also think the same now that you have the greatest girl ever--her, the girl who used to be my close friend. Treat her better, though I think you surely will.