what is wrong with me?

Have you ever had your head hurt so much because you were thinking too much? Because that’s what I feel right now. It hurts so, so much that sometimes it throbs, and I hate it. I hate it because when my head hurts, I can’t think straight. It affects my mood, my decision-making, and everything else. It sort of paralyzes me, making it difficult for me to function normally. For instance, I find it difficult to initiate something as simple as cleaning the house because I feel like I have to plan everything thoroughly. I have to think about the tools I need, the chemicals I should use, whether I should start with mopping or vacuuming first... should I, should I, should I? ARGHHH! It’s so damn loud and suffocating.

 

And this is why I prefer to stay in my room. I have to talk to myself to regulate my thoughts. I have to. Sometimes I’ll babble to myself for almost thirty minutes just trying to sort through everything in my head.But does it really help? No. I’ve even tried journaling. It helps a little, but it still doesn’t entirely solve the problem. My thoughts feel so scattered that even when I write, the flow is terrible because I can’t seem to organize what’s happening in my head. And this isn’t the only problem I have. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was fourteen. Isn’t it incredible that I’ve still survived until today? The ideation can be strong, but the motivation to actually do it has never been there. Even the thought of having to plan my suicide so that it would work somehow paralyzes me, so I never acted on it. But the thought is still there. It lingers like the smell of KFC seducing my nose and making me salivate like a dog. I guess I can also thank the Islamic values I was taught. I grew up being taught that suicide would lead to hell, and since I’m a scaredy-cat, that fear kept me from doing anything. But the thought is still there.

 

I don’t know how to make it stop.

 

And that’s the thing that confuses me the most. I still laugh. I still smile. I still feel grateful for the people who have been there for me. I can still enjoy things. I can still appreciate life. But somehow, the thought of suicide is always there in the background. I’ve also realized that I feel nervous almost all the time. Driving, going out, being around people, there’s always this underlying anxiety. And yet, I can still go out. I can still do things. But when I come home, I need to lock myself in my room just to calm down. You see, this is why I keep asking myself, “What is wrong with me?”

 

I just hope I can get the help I deserve. But for now, I need to find the money first. I need to stop being a burden to my parents, fr fr.