bukan maaf yang dipinta

Kadang-kala jiwa remuk dek kecewa manusia,

Kata mereka, kita bukanlah tuhan,

Semua insan pasti tersalah langkah,

Maka kemaafan dianggap kewajipan.

 

Namun melupakan bukan semudah bicara,

Kata-katamu kekal terpahat,

Menikam rasa, 

Berulang tayang dalam benak jiwa,

Seperti layar perak tanpa noktah akhirnya.

 

Apa yang aku pinta bukanlah kemaafan,

Tetapi kesedaran yang lahir daripada beban,

Biarlah jiwamu sarat penyesalan,

Dan semoga takdir kita tidak lagi bersilangan.

penantian yang mematikan

Unggas berbunyi di malam yang sepi,

Membunuh keheningan malam yang menikam,

Kata-kata cinta engkau bisikkan ke telinga,

Dan aku kau ikat dengan janji,

Janji yang kau ungkapkan dengan penuh tulus, 

Selamanya terpahat di dalam benak sanubari,

Maka bersumpahlah aku untuk menunggumu,

Agar kita boleh membina kehidupan,

Tidak akan aku rasa perih,

Kekal aku tunggu di atas pangkin,

Untuk kau datang memetik, 

Sehingga larut malam menyinggah,

bulan dan bintang menjadi peneman,

Seperti pinang dibelah dua,

Menghiasi langit yang gelap. 

 

Aku menantimu dengan penuh yakin,

Teguh berpegang pada kata-kata dan janjimu, 

Setianya aku hingga wajah ditanda usia,

Lembut tanganku yang dulu mengusap rambutmu,

Kini bertompok dan kusam dimamah usia,

Hitam dan lebatnya rambutku dulu,

Kini beruban dan menipis,

Badanku yang dulu kau puja dan sanjung,

Kini hampir menyembah bumi,

Kakiku dulu megah berdiri,

Bangga menapak di atas tanah memberi aku kudrat,

Kini aku berkaki tiga tidak lagi larat untuk berjalan.

Pangkin yang dulu tempat aku singgah,

Untuk melepas rindu dan mengeluh kesah,

Tiadanya lagi kudrat untuk aku menapak,

Kerusi malas di tepi jendela kini menjadi tujuan.

 

Aku merenung,

Penantian ini telah sampai ke penghujung.

Sungguh kata-katamu itu jauh panggang dari api,

Langsung tiada belas kasihan,

Luka yang kau tinggalkan,

Seperti dalamnya dasar lautan,

Mengacau jiwaku bagai ombak di pantai,

Yang tidak berhenti memukul batu-batuan.

 

Dengan ini aku berserah,

Permainan ini telah aku kalah,

Izinkan aku mengundur diri,

Kerana kini nafasku berhenti. 

ringkasan curahan hati dan pengharapan untuk tahun baru

tahun ni banyak benda berlaku. macam tu saja masa berlalu. tahun ni juga lah aku dah habis buat projek akhir tahun, tulis tesis, buat pembentangan viva dan juga buat latihan industri. semua benda ni, aku lalui dengan rasa takut dan penat. mula-mula hampir nak putus asa, tapi alhamdulillah, aku berjaya sampai ke garisan penamat. walaupun hasil yang aku dapat tidaklah setanding orang lain, tapi cukuplah untuk aku terus mara ke hadapan. apa yang penting, aku juga dah usaha dan buat sebaik mungkin. lagipun, rezeki tak pernah salah alamat dan inilah rezeki yang aku dapat. maka, tidak perlu untuk aku berkeluh kesah. itu hanya akan menunjukkan yang aku tak reti bersyukur. 

tahun ni juga, aku belajar untuk beredar daripada sebuah persahabatan yang tak dapat menjaminkan kententeraman. tak perlu untuk aku ungkit atau bercakap tentang perkara yang sudah lepas. cukuplah aku dah belajar dari kesilapan dia dan juga aku. bagi aku, tak perlu lagi untuk masuk campur dengan orang dari masa lalu sebab dengan berbuat demikian, selamanya memori menghantui dan aku hanya akan mendapat kekecewaan. jadi, dah tak ada sebab yang kukuh untuk kembali berkawan. 

kadang-kala, kita kena tinggalkan masa lalu untuk maju ke hadapan.

walaupun sukar.  

jadi, untuk tahun hadapan, apa yang aku harapkan dari diri sendiri adalah untuk buat sesuatu perkara dengan penuh rasa takut. sebab semuanya ada tarikh luput.  

 

 

if only we spoke

Source: Pinterest

 

I always see how older siblings often carry a kind of deep resentment toward their youngest sibling, and as the youngest child, I always wondered why. Until one day, my parents opened up to me about their deepest regrets--both as parents and as children to their own parents. That’s when I finally understood.

Each of us grows up with a different version of our parents. Unless parents are consistent in their parenting style, every child experiences something different. For many parents, they don’t fully know how to navigate life, so they just do what they think is best at that moment.

With their firstborn, they usually want the best, so they become very strict and controlling. By the time the second child arrives, they’re a little more lenient--sometimes to the point of neglecting certain needs. Then, when the youngest is born, they try not to repeat the same mistakes they made with the eldest, so they go easier on the youngest. That’s why it often feels like the youngest has the “easiest life,” or that the parents have simply become “lazy.” I feel that too.

Eventually, parents begin to realize their flaws and regret them. When the eldest grows up and becomes strict with their own children, the grandparents often take the grandchildren’s side. They do this because they want to redeem themselves and prevent their children from repeating the same mistakes. But the grown children fail to see this, instead feeling that their parents are spoiling the grandchildren and being unfair or meddling. This is where misunderstandings begin--misunderstandings that could actually be resolved if both sides just expressed their feelings.

But egos get in the way. Parents often won’t admit their mistakes--whether out of embarrassment or stubbornness. Meanwhile, children think it’s useless to bring things up, because their parents will turn it into an argument or an unwanted life lecture.

If only... if only both sides could sit down for a true heart-to-heart conversation--one deep enough to bring tears, followed by a hug. Then they could finally see each other’s perspectives. The children would realize that their parents really were trying their best, even if they didn’t always know the right way. The parents would finally understand how their actions deeply shaped their children into who they are today. Instead of blame, there would be understanding and acceptance.

Both sides have their faults, but that’s what makes us human. Sadly, many are too ego-driven, and that’s why family dynamics often end up broken this way.

And then my parents also told me about their regrets as children to their own parents.

My mother shared how much she wished she had slept over at her mother’s house that last weekend. My grandmother had told my brother she would love for us to stay one more night, but he forgot to mention it. My mother didn’t insist, thinking it was a Saturday, and since we were in Kedah, the next day was a weekday, so it didn’t cross her mind. We had already stayed from Friday, but my grandmother still wanted us one more day. My mom said she could’ve just taken one day off work--and that’s what she regrets so much, because that turned out to be the last time we ever saw her. After that, there were no more sleepovers. My mom blames herself for not taking the initiative, and she wishes she had done more as a daughter, especially since we lived just an hour away.

Hearing her, I felt the same regret. I wish I had warmed up to my grandmother more, that I had been the granddaughter who begged her to cook my favorite dishes, to hug me, to tell me her stories, to teach me cooking and sewing. But I wasn’t.

Then my father spoke about his regret with my Tok Ayah. After his father was discharged from the hospital, my dad put him in a nursing home for just one day, because he had work the next day and no one was available to care for him. He remembered hearing his father call his name before he left, but he was in a rush and didn’t go see him. The next day, the nursing home called to say his father had passed away. He told me how much he wished he could turn back time and just bring him home. He blames himself deeply, punishes himself, and says this is his punishment for not being a good, filial son.

In that moment, I wanted to cry so hard in front of them... but I couldn’t.

I feel like all of us were raised to hide our emotions, to never be vulnerable, to always be tough and emotionally in control.

I don’t know how much time I have left with my parents, my siblings, or myself. But I hope one day we can all sit at the same table, sharing a conversation that opens our hearts to understanding, empathy, and love.

turning a new leaf

It’s been so long -- a rather old fashioned way to say I’ve abandoned this blog for quite a while. I guess I was stuck in what people call “writer’s block,” or maybe I just didn’t have anything to write about. Well, I think I’m finally ready to let go of the past and leave it behind. It has consumed my mind for years, and now I’ve had enough of dwelling on something that those people probably don’t even care about. I was the one who left -- so why should I dwell? I did the right thing. At least, that’s what I believe. Anyway, it’s almost the end of my final year at university. I’m almost in denial that I’m about to graduate soon. Thesis writing is done, but I still need to make some corrections before submitting the hardbound version. The next stage of life is approaching -- my internship, and then… the real world. If you ask me how I feel about it, I’d say I’m scared. Like, what do you mean I’m no longer my parents’ burden? Now I understand why adults used to say I’d one day wish to turn back time and be young again -- when the biggest worries were homework, exams, and tuition classes. When life was just about playing and having fun. No real worries. No commitments. But this is real life. There’s no time machine. No cheat code. We have to do what we have to do. Maybe that’s why some people get so desperate that they resort to scamming others, or worse, ending their lives -- an easy way out of trouble. But no -- the afterlife is real. Since reality has hit hard, I’ve been trying to make changes in how I navigate life. I’m learning to control what I eat, clear my mind through workouts, and I’ve started reading again. Actually, it’s not that I stopped reading entirely. I just paused for a few months. But recently, I managed to finish a book in under a week, so I guess that’s an achievement. Oh, and I’ve learned how to sew! I’ve made two pieces so far: a full set of baju kurung and a blouse I designed with inspiration from Pinterest. The process was so much fun -- truly. I think I’ve found my passion, sewing. My motivation came from wanting to be like my grandmothers. Both of them could sew -- as many women of their time could. I want to inherit that skill too. I had tried crocheting before, but it hurt my hands, strained my eyes, and gave me headaches. I couldn’t find joy in it. So I turned a new leaf and tried something else -- and I think I’m getting into the rhythm. I really love sewing. I’ve also been experimenting with baking. I’ve mostly been trying to figure out my own measurements for recipes, to find what works best for me. I’ve tested this with cakes and cookies. And recently, I baked cinnamon rolls -- for the first time! I had never even tasted one before. It was heaven. I just need to tweak the recipe a bit. I even shared some with my friends, and I found joy in doing that too.

Well, I hope 2025 will be the year I become a better version of myself. I want to take things slow. Slow and steady.