mother's words

Things my mother has called or said to me:

1. Anak derhaka
2. Bodoh
3. Anak tak boleh diharap
4. Tak payah mintak maaf. Aku taknak tengok muka kau. Mengalir air mata darah pun aku takkan maafkan.

Although some of these words were said a long time ago, they’ve been carved deeply into my mind. No matter how much I try to forget, they keep replaying themselves over and over. I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m not who she says I am, but now I understand why I feel so cursed and unlucky in life. Maybe I was born to be a failure. Maybe I was a mistake, someone my mom wishes she could have gotten rid of.

 

I just hope that one day, when I disappear completely from her life, she’ll be happy. She’ll still have three children left when I’m gone. I’ll just be one less burden.