desire and fear

I've been on Twitter for a long time now. When I was in high school, I used to have a mindset that I didn't want to get married because 'men are trash.' But now, as I am an adult and my friends are in relationships, it would be a lie if I said I don't crave being in a relationship too. My mind has developed as I've grown up, and now, I'd say that I finally have the urge to get married. I also want to settle down and have children of my own. Unfortunately, I've never been in a real relationship. I never experienced high school romance like my friends did, and never in my life have I had someone have a crush on me. If a guy said they did, it was actually a prank or a bet. Sad. 

But at the same time, being on Twitter also kind of contributes to the factor of me not wanting to get married. I've read A LOT of stories where the wife found out that their husband is actually cheating on them, either having a relationship with another woman or using e-prostitute services from Twitter. I know there are good men out there, but there are also bad men. I'm not saying that I'm a good person with no flaws and so on, but it's so scary to think that you could probably end up getting a divorce because of how shitty your partner is. Sometimes, you will get a divorce because of a very small matter that can be solved by communicating with each other. I guess not a lot of people have that skill. Some people don't know the right way to approach a problem, which leads to a huge fight, hence why the divorce happened. Well, maybe that's how fate works. But still, marriage is scary.

And yet, I want it so bad.

bleh bleh bleh.

Sometimes, having a blog where I treat it as a personal diary is scary. Why? Because it's like I'm being naked to people who read my posts. I am being too open, too transparent. People can know what my deepest fears are, my interests, my personal life, and also my personal problems. If someone hates me, they literally can use it against me during arguments or confrontations. But writing here gives me satisfaction sometimes. I know that no one really reads my blog, especially when it's about my personal problems. It's a boring topic and self-centered, you know? Not many people would love to know about yourself. Hence why I feel safe to post here. I can say anything I want, and people will just not care. I can rant here, complain with zero worries! What a wonderful life. I don't have to hear other people's opinions, and judgments can't be made. I'm free to say anything.

At least, I hope.

i thought i did something

These days, I feel like I only want to do activities such as reading, drawing, graphic design, and writing. But I'm stuck. I don't know what book to read, what to draw because I'm not very good at it, don't know where to start with graphic design, and don't know what to write. Yes, I am writing right now, but I want to write a story, like a fanfiction or something. My mind has some ideas, but there are too many of them, so the ideas are scattered around my brain. It's like I have to pick one idea and then start to create a plot, but then my mind jumps to another idea, and I become too congested, ending up with writer's block.

As for reading, I have a book that I'm currently reading, but I find it too overwhelming as it is related to the theme of self-harm. In every chapter, the main character engages in it, and every time it comes to that scene, I have to put down the book and let my mind rest for a while after visualizing it. I've been at that stage of life; I've put a razor on my wrist, and I know how much it hurts, so when reading the book, I can feel the pain, and it makes me want to puke. I don't have any other books to read because some of them have such boring plots that I literally can't bring myself to pick them up. Whenever I try or force myself to, I yawn or accidentally fall asleep.

Drawing... well, I'm not good at it. I'm not good at drawing, like, seriously. But I love it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time I'm in the mood for drawing, I'll go through Pinterest to find something to draw. Once I have something, I'll pick up my pencil and try to draw it, but it ends up looking like a disfigured imagination, like someone who tried to draw someone from memory. I've watched plenty of tutorial videos on how to draw, and I never improve. I mean, it looks okay compared to the ones I drew without guides, but when I try to draw using the methods I was taught, the outcome is not what I expected.

But do I stop? NO.

I read at least 2 pages, I have drafts of the stories I've made, I've designed a poster, and I've drawn something. It's ugly, but at least I did it.

whining, yapping, or whatever they call it

I find myself as a paradox or endless cycle of hating myself just for me to actually miss where I am right now in the future. For example, I hate myself for not being physically active, but at the same time I'm actually being productive by doing some other things such as reading a book. Although reading 5 pages a day is till a progress. Or maybe I tried to do another hobby like crocheting or drawing. But still, in that moment, I hate myself for not accomplishing something. And then, in a few months, I'll be spiraling back into the lowest depths of emotion where I can't even get out of the bed and feel like doing nothing for a whole week and then I proceed to feel miserable for having to force myself going to class or do chores because I have to do it as I'm living with someone in this house. Every moment of me doing those things, I hate myself even more and then miss the times when I have the energy and motivation to read and do other hobby. Now, the book that I was reading back then and have not yet finished is sitting on the desk, untouched and dusty, screaming for me to pick it up and read it. 

I feel like, people who read this post, or my older posts, (in which I already put into draft because it's embarrassing) might see me as someone who always whine about how awful my life is and it'll be very exhausting to have me in their life because all I do is complain over and over. Well, it's not like I didn't try to make some changes with my attitude, mindset and behaviour. I did try everything but at the end I'll always relapse and go back to where I was. It's tiring when I trapped myself in this cycle where I can't put a stop. People might suggest me to see a therapist or a psychiatrist to get help, but oh my god I wish I could. 

Why? 

Money is the problem. Yeah, I'm a freaking 21 years-old. I'm an adult, so I should have some money right? Unfortunately, no. My parents gave me RM100 per week when I have classes but I always managed to find ways to spend those money. I am fully aware that I also have problems with managing my finance, but I'm just a girl who has her needs to be fulfilled. I've longed to spoil myself the way my parents aren't able to do, and that's why I don't have money as an adult. At least for now.

Thinking about how an awful person I am to myself, make me wonder how I still have friends. Am I that good at tricking people to think that I'm not a terrible person? But it's not like I don't have the ability to love someone. Heck, when I love someone, I will literally slave myself for them. Maybe that's just me being a people pleaser and maybe that's why I can make people stick around.

Well anyways, I miss my old self and I miss everything.