past lives

 

"What if this if a past life,
and we are already something else
to each other in our next life?"

so... i tried doing mixed media

 

some pictures of trees and skies that i took.

 

 

alien.

Alien, is a feeling I have about love. That word is a strange word. When I talk about love, I meant romantically and not platonic like how we have with our friends and family. Those are different. Romantically, I never experience it. I almost have it but was destroyed by my own expectations. I placed too much hope in other people, to the point where I sabotaged it. Now, I'm scarred from it and I don't think I could allow me to hurt others and myself again. Once is enough. The pain was too much for me to bear it and it left me battle scars that I had with my own thoughts and insecurities. 

Despite all of that, I still crave for it. To be loved, to be seen, to be heard, and to be held tenderly. It's so sweet to know that someone is waiting for us to be theirs, that we have someone that we can go back to after a tiring day at work and someone is actually missing us and can't bear to be separated from us, that someone is actually wanting to have children with us, to grow old with us, and to be with us until their last breath. But if I ever had a chance to experience all of this, I don't know how I'll react to it as I am unfamiliar with the concept. I'll have to be taught to open up and to lower my guard down and let that person enter my life. Just the thought of it leaves me puzzled, confused about my feelings. It's exciting, yet scary. How do I trust that this person won't betray me and hurt me? 

At the same time, I can't guarantee that I won't hurt the other party. I've been too caught up with my thought about getting my feelings hurt by other people that I forgot that I also have the capability to hurt them. I am no better than them. Doesn't that make me not deserving of it? So better for me to push away such feelings. Push it far away till it becomes a strange thing in this strange world.