turmoil.

Lately, I've been thinking too much about my parents. I've had too many faults and haven't been a good child to them. Sometimes, I think it wasn't entirely my fault because I'm just a teenager going through phases to find an identity. Sadly, I'm unable to share many burdens with them. I did a few times, but the rest remains a secret between me and Allah, which I'd rather not mention as it could be triggering to some people.

My mom has mentioned to me several times that I shouldn't live with regrets about not being a good child. She's told me that she has endured such feelings after her mother passed away in 2016, and also after my grandfather passed away in 2018. She said that if time travel were possible, she would do anything to go back in time, spend more time with her mother, and treat my grandfather more kindly. I could see the sadness in her eyes and expressions when she told me that. I want to comfort her, but gestures like hugging feel alien to me, so I usually just sit there and listen intently. Honestly, I think she did a very good job being a daughter to her mother. I still remember that every weekend, we never failed to go back to her mother's house and stay there until Saturday (we live in Kedah, so school starts on Sunday), unless there were urgent matters that kept us away for a while.

When my grandmother was hospitalized for the last time, my mother made an important decision, as her brothers didn't want to take the responsibility, although it was supposed to be their obligation. Unfortunately, that decision led to her mother's death, and my mom has kept thinking that it was her fault. This is also something she wishes she could undo. But realistically, we know that if she chose another option, my grandmother would have had to endure more suffering. Would she have preferred that? I don't think she could have brought herself to witness that. Even my mother knows that—she's just in denial.

Now, she has to deal with a daughter like me. She probably thought that since I'm in my twenties now, I would be more mature. However, I feel like my mental state has spiraled downward. Lately, I've been showing my emotions too much after repressing them for too long during my teenage years. My best friend is the only person I can seek comfort from, so I share very little with my parents. I do wish I could share more, but it's so hard.

All of this makes me ponder how I would react to my parents' deaths. I'm dependent on them right now. I've never had a job, not even as a cashier. I'm afraid that I might not handle it well. What if it causes me to not function normally anymore? Considering my current mental state, I think I'll grieve for them for a very long time. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. I really wish I could avoid thinking about it, but I can't help it.

I feel like I should make preparations and detach myself from them. Is that even possible, though?